Proper
Care & Feeding of a Gort
By
Floyd Looney
Nobody
had ever dreamed anything so fantastic. No science fiction writer had
ever dared to open their minds to this possibility. It happened
nevertheless.
The
Instant Launch Drive allowed humans to pop out of normal space and
pop back anywhere, even in other galaxies. It was a shocking
development. The cost of space travel was now almost nothing and
Earth was soon abandoned.
We
all got our own planets!
Yep.
They deliver mail here and everything, the kids even get picked up by
the school bus in the morning. Okay, not morning for everyone since
we all live in different time zones on our planets. Some worlds even
have two Suns and don’t get to see the dark much. Anyways, it is
like a little bit of the suburbs on our own 36 billion acres. Oh and
private school, of course, think I’m nuts or something?
No
zoning laws and no pesky, evil Home Owners Association!
So
there I was. Sitting on 844 West Park, that’s my planets name and
its address with the Inter-Galactic Postal Federation. I don’t have
any kids and my wife is always working for the Andromeda Christian
Association. It’s a busy job but at least she comes home every day,
like I have mentioned it’s a short commute.
Well,
still I get bored. I am a writer but sometimes there is just nothing
to write about, especially when your life is almost perfect. Whose
life isn’t perfect these days?
Just
doddering around the house one day I found a catalogue, obviously
delivered by the punctual postal-bot. It was all about pets! Pets
from twenty million worlds, just scanning through it would take
lifetimes. This was going to take a while.
After
just a few minutes the catalogue blinked, it accessed my bio and told
me that my world and my bio suggested I would be perfect for a pet
Gort.
A
gort? What is a gort? I asked. I consulted the e-catalogue from
InterGalactic PetMax Corporation.
Up
on the screen popped the picture of possibly the cutest little animal
I had ever seen. It had reptilian scales, in reddish and bluish hues
on its forehead, six legs and the bottom of its thick tail. On the
top of the tail, back and a mane around its neck it had thick orange
fur.
Gort
Originally
found on Planet 323 Aurora
Sweet
natured hybrid of mammal and reptile (as far as can be determined)
makes a wonderful pet for those living in temperate climates on
blue-green planets.
Like
I said I was bored and the video of the people playing with their
gorts, they seemed intelligent, had me sold. I sent off my digi-cash
and expected that within two days I would be the proud new owner of a
baby gort.
I
was very excited.
I
had no inkling that there might be some kind of problem coming.
Maybe
I should have at least done a search on the Inter-Galactic
Information Exchange, I suppose. Hindsight is at least 20/20, the old
saying goes, but a little foresight at the time would have been
helpful.
II
Then
one day the doorbell rang and I found a box on the doorstep, out
front I saw a postal-bot blink out of regular space and time. I
picked up the box, noticing the tiny air recirculation unit blinking
away in the green, and carried it inside.
I
sat it on the dining room table and pulled off the attached booklet
that was titled ‘Proper
Care & Feeding of a Gort’.
I looked at it a moment and tossed it on the table and tore into
opening the box from the top. It wasn’t exactly made of cardboard
so I found the hinge and opened it up, finding a very happy-looking
baby gort looking up at me.
“Hi”
I said lifting him up in my hands. “Who is your new daddy?”
Okay,
I admit to talking baby talk. The gort was that adorable and he
wagged his tail and hopped up and down and tried to lick me. I almost
forgot it wasn’t a strange looking dog for a moment before I taught
it to play fetch.
As
a matter of fact I almost forgot that I hadn’t mentioned a new pet
to my wife, I resolved to break it to her when she got home from her
job. Meanwhile I had to find the booklet and see what kind of food
the gort would eat. I hope it was something we had on this planet.
I
opened up the first few pages of Proper
Care & Feeding of a Gort
and found the table of contents. Scanning down the list I found that
there were several categories, but I skipped to the part about
feeding baby gorts.
Baby
Gort – nutrition
Baby
Gorts need proper nourishment to maintain a healthy, normal life. The
first thing a baby gort should want as food, upon delivery by us, is
vita-biscuits. Vita-Biscuits happen to be the most common food in the
universe because it comes standard in survival packs aboard every
spaceship ever produced.
Vita-Biscuits,
something everyone has, why this could be the beginning of a perfect
friendship.
I
fed the gort several of them before the wife got home. I had hidden
him in another room of the house but the moment she saw my goofy grin
she knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it in, I simply told her
the whole story. She looked at me as if I had lost my marbles, so I
got defensive and laid down the law.
Well,
technically, I really am the man in the house. I might have said it
in a way that upset my wife because she very quickly had zipped to
her mothers’ home world.
Well,
I still had my gort, my cute, lovable gort. I knew my wife would come
home in a few days, she always came home. She knew I often said
stupid things, but she would forgive me like she always did. Besides,
if she was gone long enough to get me worried, it’d only take
seconds to be knocking on the Mom-in-law’s door.
Anyway,
I was busy. I had to give my gort a name. It had to be something that
really worked, something new and different. Nothing came to mind.
Dang, where did my writing abilities run away to?
Before
I had even entered the room where I had secured my gort I knew there
was something different going on. I heard gort noises. Multiple gort
noises! I entered the room to find four gorts sitting in the floor
looking up at me. Cool. Weird.
Those
were the first two thoughts that entered my mind. I had no idea at
the time how not cool this was at the time and how very very weird
this definitely was.
Finding
the booklet again I found the ‘table of contents’ again. I turned
the pages until I found “reproduction” and read on.
Gort-
reproduction
Gorts
are an asexual species. This means they can reproduce without sex.
That means it takes only one gort to have baby gorts. Gorts of any
age can make baby gorts, usually in threes and usually because they
are being fed something they should not be eating. The list is very
long (see our website for details) but the most common are tulips,
strawberries and ice cream.
Ah,
after a search of the house I noticed that tulips were missing from
the front and side gardens, this probably happened while we were
playing fetch. Well this wasn’t that big a problem, I can deal with
having four gorts. Four gorts is just four times the cuteness and
four times the playing and four times more interesting.
People
can be stupid about their pets. Boy, can we ever.
So
I took them outside to play and every time I threw a stick they would
fall all over each other trying to pick them up. Piled up gorts are
very cute, by the way.
The
next morning I noticed that the four gorts were a lot bigger than
they had been and I found the booklet that had come with the box once
more. According to the Proper Care & Feeding of Gorts booklet,
scrolling through to page 44 paragraph 7 I found this tidbit.
Full
disclosure requires InterGalactic PetMax Corporation to state that on
certain planets with very rich soils, the gort can consume the soil
itself. In this situation the gorts might grow astoundingly quick,
Compound TTaC interacts with the gort metabolism and produces some
unpredictable side effects.
Well,
that certainly might be something to put near the front don’t you
think? It is always possible that it was a very rare occurrence I
guess. I doubted they would deliberately hide such information in the
footnotes if it was really common.
By
the end of the day those four large gorts had become twenty gorts and
the babies would certainly be ginormous by tomorrow. This was not
going to be easy, I guess I would just lock them up inside to keep
them from absorbing from the soil. When my wife said I had made a
rash decision without consulting her, she probably had no idea how
right she was.
They
dug through the floor. When I awoke and looked outside my beautiful
landscape was marred by the sight of a herd of gorts. They had gotten
huge, they also weren’t too cute any more. They looked like
dinosaurs with fur on top and they were apparently eating the dirt.
They were literally eating the planet that was my home.
I
was very alarmed. The bottom floor of the house had no floor and
entire walls were open to the outside. I decided to get on the
Information Exchange and find out about gort infestations and how far
this might go.
The
results made me wish I hadn’t looked.
There
were dozens of news articles and websites about planets having to be
evacuated and placed in quarantine because of gorts. The
InterGalactic Legislative Assembly was considering a ban on their
sale and delivery by the InterGalactic Postal Federation.
My
wife would not be happy. I skimmed through the Exchange, looking for
any way to stop the gorts from destroying my home planet. Finally I
found out that their only natural predator were the Eagle Wasps. So I
found the original catalogue and looked them up.
They
looked vicious. The entry said they hunted in groups and could kill
gorts by attacking them with their talons. At that moment one wing of
the house collapsed as several gorts ran right through the bottom of
it. I was intent, I would order some of these Eagle Wasps and save my
home planet and then I would show my wife I could fix my mistakes.
I
sent the order. They were three times more expensive than the gort
had been. I awoke the next day to find that my second floor bedroom
was basically a house on stilts. The herd had more than trebled in
size from what I saw, there was no grass in sight anywhere, just
rocks and dirt, it looked like a crater.
The
Postal-bot paid no attention to the devastation as he dropped off the
package. I opened it eagerly after flinging the booklet on top of it.
Three sets of eyes looked up at me and one of them made a loud
squawking noise. I dumped them out on my bed and they looked around
and stretched their wings.
I
asked myself how these little things could possibly match or eat one
of those big gorts rampaging over my planet? I frantically found the
e-booklet and typed in feeding
baby Eagle Wasps.
The
first thing you should feed a baby Eagle Wasp should you want them to
grow into mighty gort hunters is honey and vita-biscuits. Wearily I
was able to mix them up into a paste and then I opened the windows,
you could hear the lumbering herds, they stretched for miles into the
distance.
I
noted no growth in the Eagle Wasps before I fell asleep. When I woke
up they were gone and I looked out the window. Flying creatures the
size of passenger aircraft were swooping down and grabbing the huge
orange-purplish gorts in their talons and flying off with them.
Somehow there seemed to be six of these flying creatures.
I
checked the booklet. Yep, they came from the same planet as the gort
and they were also asexual reproducers. Their reproduction rate would
depend on the availability of their foodstuff. Well, they had plenty
of that. I reckoned the largest of the gorts weighed at least 3 and
half tons by now.
The
following day I was able to discern that there were somehow gorts and
Eagle Wasps covering a big swath of my home planet. The gorts were
still growing in size and numbers as were the Eagle Wasps. This was
not going well, I needed to find more information if I was going to
save the planet.
The
InterGalactic Information Exchange soon provided the information I
needed, it seems that while Eagle Wasps preyed on gorts they were
intelligent enough to allow gorts to reproduce so that their food
never ran out. What I needed was Grabweed. Grabweed grew on several
worlds and apparently was a giant green vine than snapped up gorts
and other prey and grew larger and larger.
1
week later.
I
need a fresh approach to solving this problem. Most of the planet was
now covered by giant vines and the entire eco-system now consisted of
almost nothing but the vines, gorts and Eagle Wasps. That is when I
received a message from the InterGalactic Investment Conglomerate,
which was almost deleted as junk mail. The subject line is what got
me to open it up and read.
Your
gort problem can be solved!
Turns
out the IGIC owns the IG PetMax Corporation. Funny how that works
out, it seems they want to offer me “alien population control
measures”. I looked at the list aghast. Everything from poison gas,
robot flame throwers to nuclear strikes was stated, with a price. For
the premium level, they offered to send an army to take care of them
problem.
I’d
have to mortgage my planet to afford that. How much would it be worth
now anyway in this condition? I’d have to go all out. No half
measures this time, being wimpy is just going to make the problem
worse.
The
next day as tanks and aircraft and armored-clad mercenaries appeared
all over the planet I wondered if I could ever explain this to my
wife. She had sent messages and I had tried to answer them without
letting on what was going on. Apparently she had also gotten the idea
that I didn’t want her to come back yet.
I
put my face in my palms. How had this happened? How could it have
possibly gotten to this point, so out of hand?
I
heard explosions and yells. The army was falling back. The officer in
charge ran up to me, out of breath.
“We
have a problem. We’ve destroyed much of the vine using X-Ray bombs
but this has caused the Eagle Wasps to mutate. We’re not sure if we
can hang on much longer, I need your permission to nuke their nesting
sites”.
I
nodded and buried my face again. Oh man.
The
next day they finally had gotten a handle on the aliens. I still had
no idea how to explain to my wife that I had mortgaged the planet,
destroyed large portions of it so that it might become uninhabitable.
The
payments were going to shackle my great grand kids. Geesh!
If
I ever have kids, now that I think about it, which is not a sure
thing, face it, at this point.
A
few days later it was more or less over. I paid a company to reseed
the forests and restock the lakes with fish. At least I could repair
part of this continent and rebuild the house. It looked almost normal
when my wife finally came home. She was still a little distant but at
least we were making progress.
My
writing was going better too. I was writing an erotic time traveling
war-romance novel, those mercenaries were a big inspiration and
dissolved my writers block. If the story sold well, I might even be
able to repair the rest of the planet and pay off the mortgage.
Maybe.
I
hadn’t noticed the cage she carried into the house. It looked
nearly identical to the old house, even the furnishing and paint.
“Honey
what is that?” pointing at the green ferret-looking thing that was
staring at me, hungrily.
“Isn’t
he cute? My mom bought me a pet to cheer me up. I mean I was away for
a month, wasn’t I? He’s called a zert”
“Oh
no!”
The
End
Zert:
All zerts are born pregnant as their entire species is considered
female. The species had a peculiar penchant to destroy and kill
anything giving off masculine hormones. They are furry and cute when
they are young but within several months they begin their growth
spurt and become as large as tigers.
END